By Buddy TBuddy T is a writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Because he is a member of a support group that stresses the importance of anonymity at the public level, he does not use his photograph or his real name on this website. Even if your loved one won’t accept help, you might also consider going to therapy yourself. Only when they are forced to face the consequences of their own actions will it finally begin to sink in how serious the problem has become. The problem is that while avoidance might be a short-term, temporary solution, it can make the problem worse in the long run. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work.
Understanding Enabling Behavior
When the codependent person is helping an addict who is a friend or family member, this person tends to focus on doing everything they want. The motive for doing this might be reasonable, like to support the addict in recovery or changing his behavior by being kind to them, but the approach does more harm than good. At the end of the day, the need to keep an addict satisfied all the time will end up affecting the happiness, welfare, and safety of the enabler. That is why those around an addict need to learn how to stop being an enabler as soon as they can.
- You can enable someone’s bad behavior in many ways, but it all boils down to the things you do to keep them in the status quo.
- Addressing these behaviors begins with acknowledgment and moves towards action.
- When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior.
- While many people would agree that it’s when it becomes an uncontrollable urge that causes self-destructive behavior, that’s where you draw the line.
How to stop enabling a loved one
When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences. There’s often no harm in helping out a loved one financially from time to time if your personal finances allow for it. But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. If you’re concerned https://soberhome.net/alcohol-withdrawal-symptoms-dont-underestimate/ you might be enabling someone’s behavior, read on to learn more about enabling, including signs, how to stop, and how to provide support to your loved one. Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction. And talk therapy, Dr. Borland suggests, can be helpful for anyone who finds themselves in an enabling situation or who could benefit from developing assertiveness.
You’re making excuses for problematic behavior
Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. If your loved one is dealing with alcohol misuse, removing alcohol from your home can help keep it out of easy reach. You may not have trouble limiting your drinks, but consider having them with a friend instead.
Express your needs in specific, measurable terms
For many people, it’s not entirely clear when a proclivity becomes an addiction. What’s the difference between someone who really likes to drink and someone who is addicted to alcohol? While many people would agree that it’s when it becomes an uncontrollable urge that causes self-destructive behavior, that’s where you draw the line. The issue is that there is a significant lag time between those behaviors manifesting and those close to the addict coming to grips with them. This is why addiction is often seen as the elephant in the room. Many people can recognize the signs of addiction, it’s just difficult to accept that your friend or family member is an addict.
In other words, enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. As a positive term, « enabling » is similar to empowerment, and describes patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These patterns may be on any scale, for example within the family,[1] or in wider society as « enabling acts » designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.
Knowing more about what enabling means and being able to spot the signs can help you learn to better manage this behavior. Defining the problem, creating boundaries, and making tough choices are a few tactics that can help you stop enabling. Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. However, if 9 best online sobriety support groups you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors. Rather than confronting a loved one or setting boundaries, someone who engages in enabling behavior may persistently steer clear of conflict. They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior.
Or you might feel tempted to keep secrets in order to keep the peace. To stop codependency and enabling, you have to allow them to confront and manage the consequences of their addiction, even though it may feel unnatural, unloving or mean. Rather than allowing a person to face the natural consequences of addiction, a person in a codependent relationship will try to shield their loved one from consequences—and enable them in the process. In these moments, it can be hard not to feel compelled to do something.
Recognizing these broader implications is vital for creating an environment that supports recovery rather than unknowingly perpetuating harmful patterns. To truly help an addict, you must learn how to stop being an enabler and learn to do things that prevent them from continuing their abuse and set them on the path towards recovery. For instance, this can be organizing drug or alcohol intervention. In addition, motivational interviewing can help an addict understand their inner motivation and make the first step into recovery.
Seeing the addict descend deeper into addiction and farther away from recovery can also weigh mentally on those who care about the individual and wish that they could get help, even the enabler themselves. It emphasizes why it is so important to learn how to stop enabling and get treatment for the addict. It is less likely for an addict to seek professional drug abuse treatment when an enabler is there to provide means to make their drug or alcohol abuse easier. There is no one to hold the addict accountable, and this can result in riskier drug use and a harder impact on their health. An enabler is usually a friend or loved one of an addict who passively allows or permits addictive behavior in them.
Helping involves actions that encourage an addicted individual to take responsibility for their behavior and its consequences. This might involve researching drug rehab options, discussing different therapy techniques, or providing resources to help them remain sober. It’s about empowering them to make positive changes in their life.
The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling. Offering 6 steps to quit drinking on your own a parent living with diabetes a piece of cake they’re not supposed to eat. Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money to buy drugs. Covering up for a colleague’s consistently poor performance.
If you put your foot down on not loaning money to your brother until three agreed upon monthly payments on previous loans, don’t waffle after two months. The person you love may begin isolating themselves and withdrawing from social contact with you, making it more confusing and challenging to know what to do next. Talking to a therapist yourself can help you develop new coping skills and protect your own mental health and well-being.